In preparation for the wedding, I’ve begun tanning, so that I’m not haunted by my normally incredibly pale ghostlike self in photos for years to come. I’ve had some trouble reconciling the concept of prematurely aging my skin in the name of beauty. Then I dream about being the same color as my dress and I head to the salon on my lunchbreak for a “fix.” You see, I was initially going to just mystic tan the week before the wedding, but then I heard from Amanda, Craig’s brother Dan’s incredibly tanned fiance, that spray tan without a base layer would make me look like a traffic cone. Fearing appearing like a construction implement more than looking like a ghost in wedding photos, I signed up at a local tanning salon the next day. You see, it takes me a LONG TIME to tan. I’ll have been tanning for a month in a few days, and anyone who has seen me in the last few days can attest to me still being almost as pale as always. My stomach has gotten tan (which seem strange!?) but the rest of me is still quite chalky; it’s a good thing I started 4 months before the wedding!

I know that my stepmother is going to read this and be red in the face. She’s dealt with skin cancer, and I know that it’s no laughing matter. I’m SO super careful to overapply SPF 50 any time I know I’ll be out in the sun, and to wear protective clothing when it’s not too inconvenient, that I’ve really done a pretty successful job of staying pale ALL YEAR. My justification is that it’s the only time EVER that I’ll bother(or pay!) to tan.

With my tanning package, I was given 2 free upgrades(that had to be used within a month) from the cheap-o beds that I signed up for. One upgrade to the medium level beds, and one to the PLATINUM level beds. Then a free Mystic Tan. After hearing Amanda’s warnings regarding spray tan without a base layer, I determined that I’d wait for the last possible minute to use that service, and the thrifty shopper in me said that it made sense to use the cheap beds to build up a base tan prior to using the fancy beds so that I could get the maximum time in them.

So here I am, in the last week of my month to use my upgrades. I used the medium bed (after smartly deciding to not take the worker’s advice to spend 10 minutes in that bed, and only tanned for 6, and still got a little burned – that girl must be retarded because she clearly doesn’t understand basic math) on Monday, and FINALLY got around to (today, on Friday) using my PLATINUM upgrade. Let me tell you, that bed is like a freaking space ship. It has different colored bulbs for the different zones of your body, it has all these freaking buttons to adjust things, it even has a “mist” feature that sprays you with water so you dont’ get too hot. The problem is, that sucker is still super fracking hot. When I got off the bed, I was soaked in sweat mixed with tanning lotion. I actually had to use that towel that they put in the bed to dry myself off prior to getting dressed again.

I have to go back on Monday to dye my skin so I’ll look thinner, healthier, and hipper. Wish me luck!

I hope I don’t get cancer. I guess my best bet is to just guzzle red wine because of the antioxidants, right?

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